Toque Tests

I feel like I can't even say any of this. Not that it's confidential or embarrassing (though of course it is. Isn't it always?) or rude. It's just so pathetic to complain when I have a roof over my head, money in the bank (which I am however, spending and not replacing), food in the fridge and loyal family and friends. How can I possibly complain? Well, I can complain because I am human and I have yet to reach that plane of existence - enlightenment? - characterised by floating around and beaming loving shit everywhere.

So I'm going to say it. My house is driving me fucking crazy. And it's not even my house. It's a rental. Because I don't want to be house poor or have to worry about leaking roofs or shifting foundations, I rent. Surely if I had changed my mind about this many years ago and just bought something then maybe I wouldn't be in the position of possibly being house poor now. But then maybe I would've lost it all in the crash so this whole Shoulda Done game is pointless. What is now, is. And what is now is the fact that I feel like I am camping in my own home.

Now some people love camping. I'm of the 'car camping for only two nights with running water and no sign of bears' persuasion. I like the idea of camping. I like the idea that I can be a camper. But, dear readers, I am convincingly not a camper. So when I move into a house, even a rental, I expect that I will not feel like I am camping. But here, alas, I camp. It's really only an issue in the winter when this house, built not for winter but for long hot summers, turns itself into an ice bar. And not the cool kind in Scandinavia. The house is made of concrete and tiles. Excellent for keeping the house cool in said summers and absolute shit at anything else. Everyday I think about wearing mittens in the house and now actually understand why people wore night caps.

There are electric wall heaters which only heat a 2 millimetre radius around itself while raising the electric bill to Rockefeller Christmas Tree heights. There is a portable ceramic heater in the main room, one in my office and one in the bedroom. When we want to boil the kettle or put something in the toaster, another appliance needs to be turned off. It's a chess match-y obstacle course of "what's on?" "What's not on?" any time someone wants a cup of tea. At night, we have to "Turn the bedroom on" at least half an hour before bed but, in doing so, need to turn off what's on in the living room - one area of the house cooling down to heat the other. Oh, and because of all the Appliance Chess, which we have yet to master, the power goes out many times a day. And, generally, I'm cold. And this is on top of wearing three tops (one of them fleece), long johns and two pairs of socks and woollen slippers. Which then need to all be peeled off when taking the dogs for their daily walk because it's warmer outside than inside.

We also have to drag heavy butane tanks into the house to hook up to our water heater. It's like having a bbq tank in your living room. As the bottle empties, it's Shower Russian Roulette. Getting caught fully soaped mid-shower with the tank running out is not my favourite. I forgo showers for fear of this Wimhoffian chance.

Now that I see all of this in writing, it's a bit lame.

Truthfully, what's really driving me crazy, what's really at the root of all of this is that I firmly believe if something is not working, then change it. So I am in the midst of figuring out how to change this. There's nothing more annoying than continually complaining about something and making no moves to alter the situation.

Seems though, at the moment, what I need to change is me. Not that I have to roll over and accept things all the time. But, realistically speaking, we are not moving any time soon because we can't afford it. So I need to adapt. To accept. So during the process of solving the Problem of Cold, I need to change my own attitude. This is NOT EASY. Working with aversion, with patterns and habits of behaviour...blech. Maybe this is what all the masters mean when they talk about 'everything is the path.' Who knew that you needed to wear a toque inside the house in Spain? And who knew that doing so is part of the path to enlightenment? Who indeed.