my bad

Is Coronavirus kinda my fault?

At the end of February, I moved to a village in the hills in Spain. Not the plains. Though it does rain here. It is the house and area of my dreams. Everything about it is perfect. AND it's inexpensive. I was so overwhelmed with this embarrassment of riches that I felt guilty and also had that foreboding feeling that something bad was going to happen. This habit pattern is a relic from childhood where I generally felt like all things were wrong because I was scared of life. But I know I am not alone in the fact that sometimes when something good happens, I feel like something bad is shortly on its way.

This is not true. It only feels true because life comes with ups and downs and when I am up, I know a down is coming. But not because I deserve it. Or because I feel good then I'm going to be punished - ahhhh. Another childhood relic, this one from my Catholic upbringing. Can I say how fucked up it is that you get taught that you are born a sinner? You are automatically bad just because you are a human. How the eff do you ever get outta that feedback loop? Not so easily I tell ya. What they should've said is, "Hey, you are a human! That's awesome. You have Basic Goodness. There is going to be pain and joy and suffering and ecstasy. That's the way it rolls. Hang on for the ride. Find others to travel this road with. Wheeeeeee!" But no. I have to battle my brain and superplex it into submission, reminding it that I am NOT inherently bad. Just a human, dude, just a human.

That's the way it rolls. Hang on for the ride.

So yeah. I moved to paradise, I was convinced in my bones that something bad was going to happen and two weeks later we were on lockdown and the world has been reeling ever since. So this time, I WAS RIGHT. Something bad DID happen. But I guess I am also wrong, because it's not my fault.