karma chameleon...er, ants? PART 1

They say you deserve it.

That you had it coming. That it's payback for your actions, an evening out.

Retribution in a way.

For you, for what you have done.

It seems that when people talk about karma, they talk about it in this manner.

As punishment for your actions or even as a rewards, as in 'good karma,' and 'bad karma.' But mostly bad.

'You got yours.'

What a terrifying way to live.

From what I am learning in my tiny Buddhist studies, pop culture and General Knowledge gets karma all wrong.

It is not a punishment.

Karma is...um, wait. I had it. It's...um, consequences? Or action. Or cause and effect? Or it's that our actions have consequences. Which sounds all dark and dire but it's actually just science-y and true. If this, then that. There are effects from our actions. I am not making myself very clear because I am trying to explain a concept I have yet to fully understand. I'm not sure I will ever fully understand it, which is why this is titled PART 1.

The past few days I have killed approximately 784 ants. Maybe more. I am reluctant to do it every time. It makes me sad but also I am angry at them for making me kill them. (Look how I make my actions their fault. So juvenile!)

You see, they are infesting the kitchen. It's that time of year when they come out of all their woodwork and scurry around getting what they need to live. And then they are sprayed with white vinegar by some giant creature. That's me, I'm the giant creature. And when I kill them, I apologize to them and berate myself. As my teacher said once, 'you don't have the right to kill another living being.' I think he was talking about swatting a fly.

And as I berate myself I question everything:

What am I supposed to do? Let them roam freely, multiply and overrun the kitchen? They are minute little dudes and dudettes. They get into every crack and seam. Do I just let the insects take over? Each time I kill and ant am I cementing another cycle of rebirth? Does each dead ant result in more time in hell realms or is my hell realm right here, right now, with every ant I kill and then regret. Is regret my hell realm? Is it this confusion about killing ants?

Maybe there's a modicum of release from samsara (wheel of suffering) just by having the awareness of what I'm doing? Does awareness of an action that causes harm to another lessen the impact of the action?

But a primary intention of the Buddhist path is to Do No Harm.

I seem to be doing lots of harm.

You can see how my wee brain finds this all a bit impenetrable.

There is no conclusion today. Only a wondering of my wandering through fields beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing. Oh Rumi! He says it all so much better:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

There is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,

The world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase each other

Doesn't make any sense.