I used to could

Since I broke myself, I've been having a weird time trying to recalibrate. This is all 'normal' sayeth my ME/CFS clinic but I'm a little tired of it all. And not just tired because I have chronic fatigue. Which, by the way, is a total misnomer. Sure, I'm tired. But so is everybody else. But everybody else's legs, brain and body function even though they are tired. ME/CFS is a whole nervous system break down deal which, you know, really sucks because walking up the stairs becomes a fucking thing.

All those horses underneath the hood, I don't do it no more but I used to could

- Mark Knopfler

I used to tone my arms, now I tone my Vagus nerve. It's actually more than one nerve but easier to manage in the singular. It is responsible for digestion, heart rate, the immune system. You know, just your whole fucking physiology. I'm dubbing it the Vegas Nerve, because if I can actually get mine to do its job, I will have hit the jackpot. I used to be able to do really hard yoga, hit the gym and log long hikes and my arms and core were rock solid. Now, I am wobbly and floppy. I never had great posture, but now I can't even sit up straight on my meditation cushion. I know you don't have to meditate sitting on a cushion but I like to. Now I can't.

I used to snort cocaine, now I snort cortical steroids. I mean, I don't snort them all the time, just like coke. I never had a real habit. It was all very patchy and sporadic but also weirdly concentrated into a particular year(ish) of my life. And only in New York. Could you even imagine doing coke in Ottawa? It would be like masturbating in your grandmother's bathtub.

I used to hang out in bars, now I hang out the laundry. Like snorting lines, I never really hung out in bars a lot. But the idea of sitting somewhere and drinking while making inane yet hilarious conversation seems so far out of the realm of possibility for me these days. But maybe that's just because I'm no longer in my 20s. Have I slowed down because of CFS or age? Both. Definitely both. And don't get me wrong. I love hanging out the laundry. There's a meditative quality to it (and no cushion to sit on!). But then my arms hurt because, well, floppy. And then I curse the condition and yearn for a dryer.

I used to make plans, now I cancel them. On a good day, I can see, see a very long way. Props to Colin Hay for the lyrics. And also for my new motto, "When I awoke today, suddenly, nothing happened." But yes, on a good day, I can feel motivated, make plans, feel excited about the future. And on a bad day, I have to cancel all the plans I previously made because there is no way I can invite you to my house when I only have enough energy to shower every 3 days. My dream job came up last week (dream because it provides an actual salary unlike my self-employedness) and I can't apply because, you know, needing to function on a regular basis. Sigh.

I know that I can get stronger. Others with ME/CFS live normalish lives. I can get back to the gym, someday. I think. In the mean time I feel like I am learning lessons of The Elderly in my middle age. Having to let go of ideas about oneself. To let go control of my life (eek), to let go of my identity as a 'young, healthy' person. I seem to be circling around the drain of Acceptance these days. Likely the biggest lesson of this human life. 'Accepting things as they are' is surely the key to mitigating suffering. But who wants to accept a chronic condition? Maybe my condition is just a concentrated version of the Human Condition, all vacuum packed for extra intense and flavourful life lessons.

Curse or blessing? Both, I guess. Always a bit of both.