don't call it a comeback

I cycle around every few years. Do something. Stop doing it. Sit on my couch for a while. Try it again.

Only nobody really knows it except for me. In the in-between times - the bardos as some Buddhists call them - I regularly beat my self up, frustrated that I am 'not doing anything.' Truth be told, I do a helluva lot but, for many reasons I have a deep seated (seeded?) hate-on for my very own self. This is not so unique. There are many others in this world who suffer a similar affliction. Just lately I see how much it defines me BUT I also learned that I actually do not exist.

This is WHO I AM no matter what. Right? Not right.

It's just that the other day I felt like I had a HUGE epiphany (there must be a rap song somewhere where this word rhymes with Tiffany, right?). A few weeks ago I was washing dishes and I was kinda depressed and I thought, "Well, will you get a load of that - Virus or no Virus, and I'm exactly the same person." That was the pre-cursor to my more giant realization a few weeks later: "THIS IS WHO I AM! I am a cranky, usually depressed kind of person and a fucking global pandemic doesn't even change that." It felt so light, so freeing, so liberating to realize that THIS IS WHO I AM NO MATTER WHAT. Phewf. Don't even have to go around trying to change myself anymore. If a pandemic can't change me, then nothing will.

Then I talked to my therapist and was further enlightened. The liberation I felt was short lived but then re-ignited when he reflected back to me my very own words - "You know, when I hear THIS IS WHO I AM, I hear a very limiting and narrow expression of who you think you are. Ever done LSD?"

That question threw me off for a momentito and I answered no until I realized that, in fact, I have done shrooms a number of times. (Is that the same as LSD?) Not in a thousand years, but, yes, I have altered my state of consciousness many a time. I was also addicted to pot. Mmmmmmmm. Pot.

"So you know that you are not just one version of yourself."

Huh.

Ain't that a peach.

And when I think about it, I AM very many different versions. I am a prudish slut, a dear friend, a rambunctious rocker, a wannabe rapper, yoga master, homemaker, independent traveler, excellent ex, weird and wonderful wife. I am my own Breakfast Club. I am ecstatic, morose, nauseous, strong, fit, lazy, healthy and sick. I am impatient and kind and irritable and irritating. I am a festival, I'm a parade. So thank you pandemic for helping first come to the realization that THIS IS WHO I AM and also that THIS IS ALSO WHO I AM.

Now that I have solidified my small 's' self, soon it will be time to dismantle the structure and dissolve into the quantum field. Not in a death way - not yet! But in a way that can help soften all of my edges. Gonna need me a little microdose...but access is limited. For now I'll just take my glasses off, spin around a few times, drink a little gin, and listen to some binaural beats. Homemade version.