corona coaster

I generally don't like roller coasters. In fact, I have a love/hate relationship with only one roller coaster in the whole wide world: The Cyclone at Coney Island. If you ever needed proof, I could send you ten years worth of pictures where my bestie and I have the exact same expression and the exact same body position from the exact same spot the camera shoots us every year. It scares the shit out of me. But we did it anyway, an annual end-of-vacation rite of passage. Something about it felt very necessary.

The problem with the Corona Coaster is not knowing if I can ever get off it

Take the train to almost the end of the line and buy our tickets without thinking. Too much thinking and we definitely would have bailed. Once I got a bruise on my cheek because my face hit the cross bar, only I didn't know it til the bruise became visible part way through my date that night. Like when I had my car accident and the bump on my forehead didn't appear until a few hours later. I don't even remember hitting my head, in both cases.

So we would ride The Cyclone, saunter down the boardwalk to Brighton Beach and eat fried potatoes and drink crispy white wine at the Russian restaurant while the sun made its leisurely descent. A lovely denouement to counter the primal fear from that first drop and subsequent violent lurches around the rotting wooden frame.

That was in the real world. The world where we used to be able to touch and travel and be frivolous. Now, nearing the end of some restrictions in my region, I have a new wave of fear - the fear of actually leaving my house. Not agoraphobic exactly, just uncomfortable. Will I always need to wear a mask, bring gloves, scurry away from others?

I wonder if others think about death a lot in these days. I'm sure they must. But though people talk about the virus and the news continually updates death rates, are people actually realizing the whole We Are Going To Die thing? Do you sense into your mortality? Or is it blurred with the stress of caring for your children while working from home? I'm not trying to be a downer. In a way, isn't it a positive? Can't we harness this fear and Make Things Better. Feeling into death allows us to live more fully in this life. This is what I know but I still find it hard to be fully here when I fear the day I will not be.

Truth be told, in some moments I get it. I feel peaceful. I am grateful for all of my blessings, I am happy to be alive. In other moments, I am scared shitless, worried about the future, unsure of how to manage all my swirling emotions. It's like being on The Cyclone, only I'm not really sure that I can ever get off this ride.

Well, until I die. I guess that's when the ride is over.

So yeah, I better learn to lean into the curves.